My Journey and struggles with my faith.
Where to begin? That is the question I asked myself when I wrote the title. The story is so long, the changing of opinion and rationale wasn’t a instant click, it was developed over time. So where do I stand at this moment?
Do I believe in God? That’s not a question I can answer, because frankly I don’t know if I do. It’s not whether I believe or not but, how I interact with the idea of God. I put him to the side, and dove deeper into my own thought process, deciding on what I truly saw in humanity, life, and the idea of what being human meant. And through that process I realized there really is no meaning or justification to our lives and how we live them. It’s all up to the person to accept an opinion/idea they think is right and live by that. And to me I haven’t developed my own way of life to live by and agree on yet. I’m not sure I ever will for the mere fact that I’m always learning new things and seeing things in a new perspective, learning more and more about the human condition. My attitude towards it is always changing. I’m still trying to figure out what is going to bring about that fulfillment in life, my life mission statement is nonexistent.
Fulfillment and Depression: Birth of the Existential Crisis
Once you put religion to the side, you have to find your own way. There isn’t a God that is telling you how act, and what steps to take. Things are not predetermined by God anymore. No more step by step directions on how to live life, it’s all up to you. The question comes as to what is my true opinion, as a human what do I think is right and wrong. You question your morality and you ethics, what do you really believe in and what was pushed upon you by others, not just religion but society itself?
The place that religion used to fill in your life is gone and, it’s time to fill it with something you truly believe in. So you go about the world, talking to different people, learning about their ideas and opinions. Opening your mind to something new. At the end of the day for me, I still hadn’t found that love for life, and the depression kicks in. You see the world in a down to earth scale, “glass half empty”, starvation, death, poverty, corruption, politics and self-interest are the only things that seem to surround you. What helped me go through this was volunteering. But when you sit down in your living room by yourself and your brain goes at it again, it all comes back.
You start to ask why. I’m working full-time, I’m a student full-time, it’s a lot of hard work and I give props for all the people that have gone through this or are still going through it. It’s hard to manage. I start to question myself why am I doing this? Is it wealth? Intelligence? Is it just because it’s what expected of me as a young man to go to college and get a degree and have a nice house, car, “The American Dream”. What do I want out of life? And I can’t come up with an answer.
I want to control my own life and not have others control it for me.
In the end I’m scared of the future and the unknown, but we have to face it. Right?@7 months ago with 2 notes
Anonymous asked: I miss your blog! Please update!
Thanks! I’ll see if I can give an update on what’s going on. If anybody has any questions about anything I welcome them. :)@7 months ago
Each step I take away from God, the colder the people I meet are. The crazy ideas. The humanity seems to have gone from the non-religious. Religion was a wall, blocking these ideas and opinions. It’s helped open my mind to these views but I don’t accept them. I hope I never will.@8 months ago with 1 note
So here I am defending that whole bull crap about the pope and twitter and the one thing the comes up “why are you defending it, if you don’t even believe in it anymore?” If you hate something you don’t just go about saying how much it’s stupid and how much better you are. You give credit where it’s due. Church has some awful things I don’t believe in but I will give credit where it’s due, especially when the media loves to just sensationalize religion.,@9 months ago with 1 note
eccefilius asked: Catholicism isn't about some vague idea or a distant god who doesn't care about you. It's about you, your relationship to another person, to one specific person who, yes lived 2000 years ago, but who also continues to live today. This Man also is God and He cares about you more than you can possibly imagine. He knows your pain, has experienced it firsthand and then some. He loves you, and so do I
Ever since I saw your message, I’ve been trying to figure out how to respond, what would be the most appropriate reaction? I still don’t know. So I feel the best way is to respond with the opinions and thoughts that come into my head when I read your message, hopefully in the end it will be submissive, mature and explanatory enough and not at all aggressive in any manner.
Background, I was once as religious or more than the people who have sent me messages of support and prayers. I thank you all for the concern in my well being. Due to my history in the Catholic Church, I feel that I have enough of an understanding to have my own opinions about the faith, but I must reiterate, I am no expert.
I understand the whole love situation, God loves his children, Jesus sacrificing his life for our sins, I understand it all. I’ve heard it enough times, believed in it all once, even said it a few times myself.
Because of my religious background, growing up as a devout Catholic, all of the messages about religion, the ones that are supportive and persuasive, have no effect on me. I’ve heard it all before, the wording and grammar might change and it’s always the same thing. God loving me dearly, loving your neighbor and everything else, I understand how it all works, but just because I understand it doesn’t mean I believe in it. I think I’ll leave it at that. It’s a late night. Messages for discussions are welcome. :)@6 months ago with 4 notes
You can’t advertise pro-choice as an every day type of birth control. It’s a serious procedure. I’m not pro-life nor pro-choice. I want to stay out of that argument. I just felt that’s something to think about. How you portray your opinion can have a big impact on society.@8 months ago with 1 note